Ben. Now, to date, the diamond industry has always targeted men, sending the message that the woman needs the man to buy her the rock. All right, they say, “A diamond is forever. ” We say, “A diamond is for everyone.”

Phillip. I like that.

Ben. Yes.

Spears. We don’t. “A diamond is for everyone” sends the message that diamonds are everywhere, which means they’re not rare, and if they’re not rare, they lose their status. Status is the reason to buy them in the first place, which Benjamin would know if he understood women, which you don’t.

Phillip. You can’t feel bad about that, Ben. No man does.

Green. Selling a diamond to a woman is like making her fall in love. She has to feel giddy, desirous, adventurous, and desperate.

Spears. Take a look around this room, Phillip. Most of the women in this bar are looking for just that.

Ben. Exactly. The skills required to market diamonds are the same as those needed to make a woman fall in love, yes.

Spears. I’m not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love... wants diamonds.

Ben. Yeah, I’m not talking about lust, either, ladies. I’m talking about deep, meaningful, head over heels, his and her towels, let’s grow old together, L-O-V-E.

Olive Why did you want to kill yourself? [...]

Frank I wanted to kill myself [...] because I was very unhappy. [...]

Olive Why were you unhappy?

Frank Uh... Well, there are a lot of reasons. Mainly, though, I fell in love with someone who didn’t love me back.

Olive Who?

Frank One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.

Olive Him? It was a boy? You fell in love with a boy?

Frank Yes, I did. Very much so.

Olive That’s silly.

Frank You’re right, it was silly. It was very, very silly.

Grandpa There’s another word for it.

Mom Dad!

Olive So, that’s when you tried to kill yourself?

Frank Well, no. The boy that I was in love with fell in love with another man, Larry Sugarman.

Mom Who is Larry Sugarman?

Frank Larry Sugarman is, perhaps, the second most highly regarded Proust scholar in the US.

Dad Who is number one?

Frank That would be me, Rich.

Dad Really?

Frank Mhm.

Olive So, that’s when.

Frank No. All what happened was I was a bit upset. So, I said some things that I shouldn’t have said and I did some things that I shouldn’t have done. And subsequently I was fired from my job and forced to move out of my apartment and move into a motel.

Olive And, that’s when you tried to...

Frank Well, no. Actually, all of that was okay. What happened was two days ago the MacArthur Foundation in its infinite wisdom awarded a Genius Grant to Larry Sugarman. And that’s when I...

Grandpa Decided to check out early.

Frank Yes... Yes. And I failed at that as well.

Winslow If I had a steak... Oh, boy. A... A rare, a bloody steak. If I... If I had a steak, I would fuck it.

Wake You don’t like me cookin’? [...]

Winslow How could I possibly like the horseshit you fix us for supper?

Wake You’re drunk, or ye wouldn’t be saying that! [...]

Winslow I’m drunk? [...]

Wake You’re fond of me lobster, ain’t ye? You’re drunker than a Virginia fence. I seen it. You’re fond of me lobster. Say it. Say it. Say it!

Winslow I don’t have to say nothin’.

Wake Damn ye! Let Neptune strike ye dead, Winslow! Hark! Hark, Triton, hark! Bellow, bid our father, the sea king, rise from the depths, full foul in his fury, black waves teeming with salt-foam, to smother this young mouth with pungent slime, to choke ye, engorging your organs till ye turn blue and bloated with bilge and brine and can scream no more. Only when he, crowned in cockle shells with slithering tentacled tail and steaming beard, take up his fell, be-finned arm, his coral-tined trident screeches, banshee-like in the tempest, and plunges right through your gullet, bursting ye, a bulging bladder no more, but a blasted bloody film now, a nothing for the harpies and the souls of dead sailors to peck and claw and feed upon, only to be lapped up and swallowed by the infinite waters of the dread emperor himself, forgotten to any man, to any time, forgotten to any god or devil, forgotten even to the sea, for any stuff or part of Winslow, even any scantling of your soul, is Winslow no more, but is now itself the sea.

Winslow All right. Have it your way. I like your cooking.

Make a Virginia fence—to walk in a swerving, unstable manner due to being intoxicated. An allusion to a kind of fence constructed of rails resting across one another in a zig-zag pattern. Chiefly used in New England.

Ed So, what’s the plan?

Shaun Right. We take Pete’s car, we drive over to mum’s, we go in, take care of Phillip [I’m so sorry, Phillip!], then we grab mum, we go over to Liz’s place, hole up, have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.

Ed Why have we got to go to Liz’s?

Shaun Because we do.

Ed But she dumped you!

Shaun I have to know if she’s all right!

Ed Why?

Shaun Because I love her!

Ed All right... gay. I’m not staying there, though.

Shaun Why not?

Ed If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

Shaun Okay. Take Pete’s car, go around mum’s, go in, deal with Phillip [Sorry, Phillip!], grab mum, go to Liz’s, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.

Ed Perfect!

Shaun No, no, no, no, wait, we can’t bring her back here.

Ed Why not?

Shaun Well, it’s not really safe, is it?

Ed Yeah, look at the state of it.

Shaun Where’s safe? Where’s familiar?

Ed Where can I smoke?

Shaun Take car, go to mum’s, kill Phil [Sorry!], grab Liz, go to the ’Winchester’, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How’s that for a slice of fried gold?

Ed Yeah, boyyyeee!

When the yogurt took over, we all made the same jokes.

“Finally our rulers would have culture.”

“Our society is curdled.”

“Our government is now the cream of the crop,” and so on.

But, when we weren’t laughing about the absurdity of it all, we asked ourselves, “How did we ever get to the point where we were, in fact, ruled by a dairy product?”

Dell Kimberly, I was wondering if I could have your number.

Kimberly What?

Dell Your phone number.

Josh Dude. She’s with me.

Dell No.

Josh Uh, yeah. She is.

Dell No, she’s not. Not yet anyway. At best, this is a first date, and I’m shocked that that even happened. I have nothing against you. You might not be a bad guy. Most likely, but maybe not. You’re incredibly handsome. You were probably very handsome when you were a kid too. I think that explains your lack of substance and personality. Only because nobody’s ever really challenged you before. So now as an adult, you think everything you say means something, but it means nothing, actually. You don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s upsetting, and I think she probably sees through that. You’re very pretty, but you’re shallow beyond belief. (to Kimberly) Anyway, can I have your number?

Josh gets really angry.

Kimberly (to Josh) Okay, okay.

Dell What are you doing?

Josh You just said all that shit.

Dell Yeah, but it was just an observation.

Josh And you ask my girl out in front of me?

Dell Shit. Sorry. My mistake. I see that now. I shouldn’t have done that. She’s way too beautiful.

Josh What?

Dell I should be more of a realist. I should know I’m a C, maybe a C+ in winter, when I can cover up my body more. Even though you’re a douchebag, you’re incredibly attractive, so maybe it’s only fair you two pair.

Kimberly smiles. Josh looks at her.

Kimberly What? It rhymed.

Dell She’s right. It rhymed. Alright. Let’s... Can you just put me down?