~~~

WARNING!

A VERY VERY VERY DARK MATTER.

NO JOKE.

~~~

Foster Parents So you want to be just like Jesus, do you?

Katurian And she said, “Finally you fucking get it!” (Pause.) And they stared at her a little while. And then it started. (The dreadful details of the following are all acted out onstage.) Her foster-mother embedded in her daughter’s head a crown of thorns made of barbed wire, because she was too lazy to make a proper crown of thorns, while her foster-father whipped her with a cat-o’-nine-tails, and after an hour or two of that, they asked her, when she regained consciousness …

Foster Parents Do you still want to be like Jesus?

Katurian And, through her tears, she said, “Yes, I do.” (The parents place a heavy cross on the girl’s back. She walks around with it in pain.) So they made her carry a heavy wooden cross around the sitting room a hundred times until her legs buckled and her shins broke and she could do nothing but stare at her little legs going the wrong way, and they said to her …

Foster Parents Do you still want to be like Jesus?

Katurian And she almost got sick for a second, but she swallowed it so she wouldn’t look weak and she looked them in the eye and she said, “Yes, I do.” (The parents nail her to the cross and stand it upright.) And then they nailed her hands to the cross and bent her legs back around the right way and nailed her feet to the cross and they stood the cross up against the back wall and left her there while they watched television, and when all the good programmes were over they turned it off and they sharpened a spear and they said to her …

Foster Parents Do you still want to be like Jesus?

Katurian And the little girl swallowed her tears and she took a deep breath and she said, “No. I don’t want to be like Jesus. I fucking am Jesus!”

Press Man Please. I’ve got my blind mother to look after.

Hans (yawning) Do ya?

Press Man I’m all she’s got.

Hans Where’s that whiny violin coming from? Oh yes, your mouth!

Press Man She’s not just blind, she’s deaf and dumb too, the poor thing.

Hans She’s blind, deaf and dumb? She’ll hardly notice you’re gone!

Press Man Oh. Shit. Hello again.

Hans scratches his nose with the axe.

What’s the axe for?

Hans For axing things. Don’t axe stupid questions. [...]

Press Man For axing what?

Hans For axing whom.

Marjory For axing who.

Hans Oh, I thought it was ‘whom’ when we don’t know whom we’re axing.

Marjory We do know whom we’re axing.

Hans We do. He doesn’t.

Press Man Well I do now!

Hans Oh, he does now.

Marjory Did the children like it?

Hans Like it? They loved it, mate. Even the thick ones. And there were loads of them, it was all rich kids.

Marjory They loved it? They loved ‘The Little Black Mermaid’?

Hans Um … everybody loved it, reallly. Yeah. Although, y’know, I had to make a couple of changes. Minor changes.

Marjory Changes?

Hans Just to the title … and some bits about, y’know, the lead character.

Worried, Marjory comes to the front of the glass.

There’s no such thing as black mermaids! Everybody knows that!

Marjory But …

Hans But what?!

Marjory There’s no such thing as mermaids!

Hans Splitting hairs! [...]

‘[...] Didn’t you even look at the book?’

‘What book? You said something about a book on the phone.’

‘The Great Big Book of Death. I sent it to your shop. I told a woman at the counter that I was sending it, and I got delivery confirmation, so I know it got there.’

‘What woman — Lily? She’s not a woman, she’s a kid.’ [...]

‘Oh, shit. That explains why they’ve been showing up. You didn’t even know.’

‘Who? What? They?’

Mint Green Death sighed heavily. ‘I guess we’re going to be here awhile. I’m going to make some coffee. Do you want some?’

‘Sure, try to lull me into a false sense of security, then spring.’

‘You’re tied the fuck up, motherfucker, I don’t need to lull you into shit. You’ve been fucking with the fabric of human existence and someone needed to shut your ass down.’

‘Oh, sure, go black on me. Play the ethnic card.’

Mint Green climbed to his feet and headed toward the door to the shop. ‘You want cream?’

‘And two sugars, please,’ Charlie said.

Dell Kimberly, I was wondering if I could have your number.

Kimberly What?

Dell Your phone number.

Josh Dude. She’s with me.

Dell No.

Josh Uh, yeah. She is.

Dell No, she’s not. Not yet anyway. At best, this is a first date, and I’m shocked that that even happened. I have nothing against you. You might not be a bad guy. Most likely, but maybe not. You’re incredibly handsome. You were probably very handsome when you were a kid too. I think that explains your lack of substance and personality. Only because nobody’s ever really challenged you before. So now as an adult, you think everything you say means something, but it means nothing, actually. You don’t know what you’re talking about, it’s upsetting, and I think she probably sees through that. You’re very pretty, but you’re shallow beyond belief. (to Kimberly) Anyway, can I have your number?

Josh gets really angry.

Kimberly (to Josh) Okay, okay.

Dell What are you doing?

Josh You just said all that shit.

Dell Yeah, but it was just an observation.

Josh And you ask my girl out in front of me?

Dell Shit. Sorry. My mistake. I see that now. I shouldn’t have done that. She’s way too beautiful.

Josh What?

Dell I should be more of a realist. I should know I’m a C, maybe a C+ in winter, when I can cover up my body more. Even though you’re a douchebag, you’re incredibly attractive, so maybe it’s only fair you two pair.

Kimberly smiles. Josh looks at her.

Kimberly What? It rhymed.

Dell She’s right. It rhymed. Alright. Let’s... Can you just put me down?

Свершилось чудо! Карлсон вернулся, и теперь ему полагается пошалить.

Новая рубрика #Vespertine для тех, кто ночи напролёт читает книжки и смотрит кино в оригинале. Чистое удовольствие, не испорченное переводом и объяснениями.

В любой непонятной ситуации звоните Стивену Фраю.